Do’s:
1. Validate their feelings
When a loved one is struggling with depression, one of the most healing things you can offer is your presence—without judgment. Simply saying, “I believe you” or “It’s okay to feel this way” can ease the heavy weight they carry. Validation doesn’t mean you have to understand every emotion—they just need to know their feelings are real, and that they’re not alone in them. In a world that often rushes to fix or dismiss pain, your quiet acceptance can be a powerful act of love and healing.
Those with depression often try to keep their depression hidden out of fear of how it will be received by those around them. They may feel that others confuse their depression for ungratefulness or negative feelings. Or, they may feel shame or embarrassment in communicated their feelings. Either way, your validation and acceptance can help them be more open which will help them with their healing, and your relationship.
2. Encourage healthy habits
A common symptom of depression is decreased motivation. Often times this decrease in motivation targets habits and activities that are productive and healthy such as socialization and exercise. This can create a negative cycle that keeps our loved one in depression.
One of the most supportive things you can do is to gently encourage and model healthy habits—like eating nourishing meals, getting outside for a walk, or keeping a regular sleep routine. These small, steady actions can help create a sense of stability and hope. Even if your loved one can’t fully participate, your consistency shows them that life can still hold rhythm, care, and connection—and that healing doesn’t have to happen all at once.
3. Be patient
Healing from depression doesn’t follow a straight line—and that’s where your patience becomes a quiet act of love. When you give your loved one the time and space they need to move through their pain, without rushing or expecting quick changes, you’re showing them they’re worthy of care just as they are. Patience says, “I’m here for the long haul.” And sometimes, knowing someone won’t give up on them—even on the hard days—can be the most powerful support of all.
4. Practice self-care
When someone you love is struggling with depression, it’s natural to pour your energy into helping them—but don’t forget to care for yourself, too. Practicing self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential. Taking time to rest, nourish your body, and tend to your own emotional needs helps you stay grounded and resilient. When you care for yourself, you’re better able to show up with patience, compassion, and strength. Remember: you can’t pour from an empty cup—and your well-being matters just as much.
Self-care may involve having personal boundaries. Boundaries can keep you from being emotionally drained, overwhelmed, or even resentful. Personal boundaries can look like:
- Saying no without guilt when you need rest or space
- Making time for your own needs – whether that’s therapy, exercise, or time with friends
- Not accepting that abusive treatment is part of loving someone with depression
- Recognizing that you can support your loved one, but you cannot fix them
- Protecting your emotional energy by limiting conversations that become too repetitive or abusive
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your loved one. It means you are looking for a way to show up for them without losing yourself in the process. A counselor can help you navigate the balance between support and boundaries in a relationship.
5. Encourage professional help
Watching someone you love struggle with depression can be heartbreaking—especially when you feel powerless to ease their pain. But one of the most meaningful things you can do is gently encourage them to seek professional help. It’s not about pushing them—it’s about reminding them they don’t have to carry this alone. Therapy can offer a safe space, tools for healing, and a path forward. And your support, your belief in their worth and recovery, might be the very thing that gives them the courage to take that first step.
Don’ts
1. Don’t minimize their experience
When someone you love is hurting, it’s tempting to say things like “It’s not that bad” or “You’ll be fine” in hopes of comforting them. But for someone with depression, these words can feel dismissive—even if they come from a place of love. What they truly need is to feel heard and understood. By acknowledging their pain without trying to shrink it, you’re saying, “Your feelings are real, and they matter.” That kind of validation can be a powerful step toward healing—and a reminder that they’re not alone.
Often when we minimize our loved one’s experience, it’s because we have compared it to someone else’s experience. Every person’s experience with depression is deeply personal and unique. Comparing your partner’s struggles to someone else’s—no matter how well-intentioned—can invalidate their feelings and create emotional distance. True support means meeting them where they are, listening without judgment, and recognizing that healing doesn’t follow a universal timeline. Compassion, not comparison, is the key to connection.
2. Don’t take it personally
When someone you care about is battling depression, it’s natural to feel hurt, confused, or even rejected by their withdrawal or mood changes. You might even entertain thoughts such as, “What did I do?” and “Is there something I’m not doing to make you happy?” But it’s important to remember: their struggle isn’t about you.
Depression can cloud a person’s ability to feel joy, connection, or even hope. When your loved one seems distant, irritable, or unresponsive, it’s not a reflection of your worth or the quality of your relationship—it’s a reflection of their internal struggle. Their brain is telling them things like “I’m a burden” or “Nothing matters,” and those thoughts can make it hard for them to engage, even with the people they love most.
Just like someone with the flu isn’t choosing to be tired or withdrawn, someone with depression isn’t choosing to be emotionally unavailable. Their symptoms—fatigue, hopelessness, irritability, numbness—are not directed at you. They’re part of the illness. Taking it personally can lead to guilt, resentment, or burnout, which makes it harder to be the steady support they need.
Even if they can’t show it, your presence, patience, and understanding are meaningful. You don’t have to fix their depression—you just have to walk beside them without making their pain about your own value or effort. That’s what love looks like in hard times.
3. Don’t try to fix it
When someone you love is struggling with depression, it’s natural to want to “fix” it—to offer solutions, advice, or ways out. But healing doesn’t come from pressure or problem-solving; it comes from feeling seen, safe, and supported. Trying to fix your partner can unintentionally send the message that their pain is a problem to be solved, rather than a reality to be understood. Instead, focus on being present, listening with empathy, and reminding them they’re not alone. Your love isn’t measured by how quickly they recover—it’s shown in how patiently you walk beside them.
Here are some examples of supportive statements you can use:
- “I can’t imagine exactly how you feel, but I’m here with you”
- “It’s okay to not be okay right now”
- “Your feelings are valid, even if they’re hard to talk about”
- “You don’t have to explain everything, I just want to be here for you”
- “You don’t have to go through this alone – I’m here”
- “You don’t have to be ‘better’ for me to care”
4. Don’t participate in the unhealthy patterns
When supporting a loved one with depression, it can be difficult to know when to push back on certain behaviors and when to have patience. Often times this can lead to unwilling participation or mirroring in unhealthy behaviors such as canceling plans, avoiding responsibilities, or making excuses to friends and family on behalf of your loved one. Additionally, this can also lead to tolerating emotional outbursts or other negative behavior directed towards yourself or others. It’s important to know that tolerating and/or joining in on unhealthy patterns doesn’t help them heal and quietly erode your own well-being. Depression can distort boundaries and choices, but that’s when they need someone the most. Holding to healthy boundaries, respectful communication, and proper emotional limits isn’t abandoning them – it’s modeling health and self-care.
Here are some common unhealthy behaviors to avoid:
- Isolating with them
- Making excuses to others on their behalf
- Tolerating emotional mistreatment
- Neglecting your own needs
- Over-functioning
- Yielding personal boundaries
- Avoiding professional help
5. Don’t ignore warning signs
Being there for a loved one with depression is powerful, and many times it’s all that’s needed to help them heal. But sometimes, love and support alone aren’t enough. If you notice signs like deepening hopelessness, talk of giving up, or major changes in behavior, it may be time to involve a mental health professional. Depression can worsen quietly, and knowing when to reach out for help can make all the difference. Seeking professional support isn’t a failure—it’s a courageous step toward healing, for both of you.
Here are some signs that it may be time to seek professional help:
- Expressing hopelessness, or saying things like “I can’t do this anymore”
- Talking about feeling like a burden, or saying things like “Everyone would be better off without me”
- Mentioning death or suicide – even subtly or jokingly
- Neglecting personal hygiene
- Increased use of alcohol or drugs
- Withdrawing from friends, family, or activities they once enjoyed
- Neglecting personal responsibilities such as school, work, important deadlines, etc
Loving someone through depression is one of the quietest, bravest kinds of love there is. By focusing on empathy over solutions, presence over pressure, and boundaries over burnout, you create a space where healing is possible. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. What matters most is showing up with patience, compassion, and a willingness to learn. And when the signs point to something deeper, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. You’re not alone in this—and neither are they.
If you need help with a loved one wrestling with depression, reach out for counseling support for yourself.
